lisa

woot

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 13:40:08 GMT

[1.] What did you do in 2007 that you have never done before?
moved out! win. and went to a festival abroad.

[2.] Did you keep all of last years resolutions?
i never make em, im rubbish!

[3.] Have you any resolutions for next year?
nah.

[4.] What countries did you visit?
france. only one i went to!

[5.] What would you like to have in 2008 that you didn't have in 2007?
no idea! hopefully a purdy place to live because this ones a bit ghetto.

[6.] What date in 2007 will remain etched in your memory?
a couple that have happened recently!

[7.] What was your biggest achievement of the year?
realising what i dont need.

[8.] What was your biggest failure?
probably the set up of moving out hah. it hasnt worked at all but its put me in a far better place. if that makes any sense at all! hah. have landed on me feet again :)

[9.] Did you suffer any illness or injury?
ive just had tonsilitis, bar that many bruises lol..damn corp

[10.] What was the best thing you bought?
best thing ive spent my money on is rent i suppose lol. ooh and msi gig tickets.

[11.] Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
ryans towards the end of our relationship.

[12.] Where did most of your money go?
....corp.... and rent. and bills. exciting.

[13.] What did you get really really really excited about?
moving out. yeah thats the main thing i did this year lol. oooh and leaving next, because that place was a hellhole.

[14.] What songs will always remind you of 2007?
pass. absolutely no idea, probably meaning none.

[15.] Compared to this time last year are you :
[A] Fatter or thinner? phatter yo. working on it (badly)
[B] Happier or sadder? happier
[C] Richer or poorer? poorer lol. well im earning much more buutt i have less to actually spend.

[17.] What do you wish you'd done less of?
taking crap when i really didnt need to

[18.] How will you be spending Christmas?
with le family as always

[19.] Which LiveJournal users did you meet for the first time?
none at all, have barely used it this year! need to come back and postwhore :)

[20.] Did you fall in love in 2007?
i fell out of love, and i fell in love with new friends. but not in that respect yet, no

[21.] How many one night stands?
none really. ive slept with someone im not going out with but its definitely not a one night stand

[22] What was your favourite TV show?
ive barely watched the tv this year in all honesty, but fonejacker is great.

[23.] Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
probably. i hate people i didnt really know this time last year if that counts?

[24.] What was/were the best books you read?
harry potter was this year wasnt it? twas that.

[25.] What was your greatest musical discovery?
hmm. dont know. the inbreds probably. havent really listened to much new this year apart from the bands i saw at hellfest

[26.] What did you want and get?
hehehehe. rudeness.

[27.] What did you want and not get?
pass. am usually pretty good at getting what i want :P joke..

[28.] What was your favourite film this year?
harry potter!

[29.] What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
i was 20, and i think i wentout for a meal with family

[30.] What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
saying more of what i was actually thinking

[31.] How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
clueless!

[32.] What kept you sane?
lately, wayne! the internetz, music, the mute button on my phone at work...

[33.] Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
havent really had any celeb crushes. oooh actually. not a celeb really but i wouldnt say no to that singer from the inbreds...hahaha

[34.] Which political issue stirred you the most?
i dont know, probably the fact that gordon brown is now our prime minister? hes a bit shit like isnt he.

[35.] Who did you miss?
all my friends!

[36.] Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
that i dont need what i thought i did to be happ

[37.] Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
erm...uuhhmmm....
'yeah daddy i was born to ride'

lmao.

happy 2007-end all.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 20:45:03 GMT

how SAD is it when your boyfriends MOTHER is slagging you off behind your back????

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 21:43:10 GMT

hmm. i have a suspicion someones lied to me.

i have some answers to find i think.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 23:05:58 GMT

oh im pretty angry now to hear that the guy (edd) whos house party it was has had stuff nicked out of his room...

how fucking low and pathetic can someone get? someone puts on an event in THEIR OWN FUCKING HOUSE to celebrate something when they didnt even have to, and someone repays that trust by nicking things?

cant even get into that fucking mindset, youd have to be heartless.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 17:25:24 GMT

happy new year everyone :)

had a really nice evening last night...went to ryans friends house party...there were only like 12 ish people there...seemed to get on well with everybody, although i have a feeling i may have peed people off because im loud and annoying when drunk and very opinionated..oops..hah.

however , turns out one of them isnt to be trusted. as when me and ryan went to get our things from upstairs, we came down to the kitchen, as we were getting a cab back i went to get half the fare out my bag so he wouldnt have to pay for it all. first thing i notice is my wallets open. then i notice my fucking moneys gone? EVERYTHING else in my bag was left there-my cards, my phone+charger, swiss army knives..all there. but my 8 quid or so change, gone. how fucking pathetic. so i basically was really upset at that point because everyone had been so nice to me all evening and i thought i could trust them, only a few people, for a few fucking hours, as ryan had known most of them for ages and trusted them all too. now we're both left doubting who we can n cant trust, this is really horrible because theyre his friends, and i WANT to be able to get on with them and trust them. and its so so irritating that all but one of them i can, just because i dont know WHO, im left doubting everyone. and it really upset ryan too because he thought he could trust them all too and wanted me to be able to. if someone wanted money that badly they should have just asked and id happily have given it to them.

so me and ryan got back home in the end, and people who were still there were calling him, and said taht theyd found the money on the floor of the spare room...2 theories here, either whoever took it out my wallet had panicked if theyd heard someone coming upstairs an dropped it, or the money wasnt really on the floor and someone was like trying to cover up? fuck knows. im sure i sound like a bitch for saying that but hey. people were all'oh it mustve fallen out of your bag' and id really really love to believe that but looking at it realistically i know there just isnt any way at all that could have happened because of the design of my wallet and the fact that i have ocd...i DO NOT leave things such as my wallet open in my bag..EVER... it must be closed or i feel wrong. i just want some honesty from someone so i can get back to trusting people. the guy whos party it was, ed, did seem genuinely disgusted when i said itd gone, some people never even went upstairs, and ryan seems to believe that warren, his best friend wouldnt have ever done that.

i just need to stop fucking trusting people so much because as bad as it sounds...not everyones as nice as me XD ah well. thats all that out my system now hah...although the £3.50 bus fare would be nice to have back so i can get back home to mk on tues without having to take out more money than id allowed for...lol

i got prezzies from ryans mum yesterday aswell as i hadnt seen her since before xmas..she got me a framed photo of ryan :D hehe and a snuggly furry bed throw :)

i hope everyone had a great new year :) i need to shut up now ^-^

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 22:04:04 GMT

1) Was 2005 a good year for you? started off royally shit, got incredibly wonderful towards the end though :)

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? getting together with my beautiful boyfriend

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? sometime around feb i think

4) Where were you when 2005 began? asleep, in bed, in northampton

5) Who were you with? gaz i think

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? with ryan i hope, dont know where

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? ryan hopefully

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? i didnt make any, so no

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? nope

15) Did you break up with anyone in 2005? i did indeed

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? loads :D

17) Who are your favorite new friends? ryan! all my boardie friends!

18) What was your favorite month of 2005? feb -> august...it was generally speaking, a very shit year.

19) Did you travel outside of Australia in 2005? erm..if i was in australia to start off with i may have an answre to this

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? none.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? i dont believe anyone i know dies this year, apart from some kid at my sisters school and some girl who used to be in my maths class. no one close though.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? yeah lots of people

23) What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2005? ooh there have been some good ones. sin city, and harry potter the best though, closely followed by charlie and the chocolate factory

24) What was your favourite song from 2005? pass.

25) What was your favorite album from 2005? again, pass.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? erm..not many...inme, septembre, download 05, mindless self indulgence...i think that was all

27) Did you have a favourite concert in 2005? msi!!!! ownage hardcore

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? more than i have in the past

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? zilch...ta-da!

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? one :)

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? yep

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2005? to cover up my self harm, i blamed it on someone else... that was today actually :/ thats the only one i actually remember telling, apart from making up an excuse for not wanting to go to a gig with someone as i thought theyd be angry with me if i just said i didnt want to go

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? as above

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? probably, i try never to but im sorry if anyone feels i have :)

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? yes

36) How much money did you spend in 2005? very little until i got a job, then far too much for my own good hah

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? being abel to call ryan mine...ive done well hehe

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? puking into my extensions? that was pretty nasty only i was too pissed to know it at the time

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something what would it be? saved myself alot of heartache and got it over with the first time.

40) What are your plans for 2006? become very rich! possibly move out, hadnt really got that far

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 11:47:36 GMT

urgh. im about to go to work and i still feel pretty ill (really bad cold...again...) and havent had nearly enough sleep. i fucking hate having ocd. i was up half the night because i was terrified there was going to be a house fire. this isnt something new, ive had that since i was really small. i just got really panicky and had an urge to go and check the whole fucking house and the smoke detector...i managed not to though because i dont really want to give in to it. ryan was really really good with me though, he stayed on the phone with me at stupid o clock till i was calm enough to sleep..kinda woke him up :/ i am really really grateful for it though, probably wouldnt have gotten any sleep at all otherwise.
oh well..have to go work now..woot...

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 20:28:00 GMT

ooohhh i've been veerrryyy bad for updating lately, even though ive had more than enough time to do it i guess.

works quite dull, i hate early mornings and it makes my feet and back hurtbeing up all day, but i like the money. have started a little xmas shopping, but i plan to carry on that when i get paid on the 26th so it hurts less hah. i pretty much know what im getting everyone though so i guess its just the whole actually making myself leave the house n go buy it .

stuffs going sooo well with ryan :) this is the happiest ive been in so long. hes at work at the minute so im using his net to update. i love him soo much...awww *all squidge inside*

need to do *something* with my hair but i dunno what as im not allowed extensions for work >:( well...i could have loose extensions but ill be fucked if i can put them in myself.

ooh saw harry potter yesterday :D went to the cinema in npton with ryan, to meet up with nicky and cat from school in npton...hadnt seen either of them for about 7 months or something though, so that was nice. however because me n ryan got there at half 4, we brought tickets for the 5 pm showing...10 mins later, the others get there to buy tickets, but theyd sold out! so they had to go to the half 4 showing. which was really gay, but oh well. really good film anyway.

hummm...my throats starting to hurt quite a bit. and i hae work 3-9 tomorrow...gayness... so i have to get up stupidly early to get a 2 hr bus back to m k, then another bus back to giffard park...sleep for a few hours...get another bus back into town n go to work. hahaha what fun.

ahh well im going to shut up now and i need to go get a drink because throat hurtage.

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 12:23:40 GMT

ahh i feel so fucking wanted -.-

/sarcasm. i wish some people wouldnt even fucking bother. its just offensive.

ITS HALLOWEEN AND IM DRESSED UP SO IM GOING TO SPAM YOU ALL :D

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 23:20:52 GMT

here are some pics of me in my uber goff halloweeny state. hah.

and....

i could have cut that...but i havent updated in so long i feel a friends page clogging up is overdue mwahahahahah
you all love me really.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 20:23:20 GMT

w00t check me and my webbernatorganisation skills

another quiz, naturally stolen:)

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 18:19:29 GMT

because im bored haha... and whoring ryans computer whilst hes at work. and i plan to shock himwhen he gets home. hahahaha

Name someone with the same birthday as you
lauren+becca cawley...and i believe the hot one from hanson. hahaha

Where was your first kiss?
erm...first 'proper' kiss was ozzfest 01

Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
nah

Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
hahaha jokingly yes

Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
no. no no and no

What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
*shallowness* if theyre hot or not i guess hahahaha

What really turns you on?
long hair

What do you order at Starbucks?
erm the onlytime ive ever been i think i had an orange juice

What is your biggest mistake?
hmmm...not sure really. imsure someone would know though

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
mmhmm

Say something totally random about yourself.
am currently listening to bush - letting the cables sleeo

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
not that i recall

Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
when i can be fucked, yes

Did you have braces?
no and im pretty pissed off about tht actually, because i should have-my bottom teeth are too close together by far. however...im now 18 and i dont fucking want braces. im incredibly annoyed iwasnt told i needed them years ago when i wouldnt really have cared as much.

Are you comfortable with your height?
hmm....sometimes. ideally id like to be a little taller (hence the whole living in platforms thing haha)

What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?
erm...taken me to dinner or let me use their jacket? hahaha

When do you know it's love?
when you feel like this:) its just something you know i guess.

Do you speak any other languages?
nope

Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
nah, im rather fond of my greyness

What magazines do you read?
none. sometimes the tv mag

Have you ever ridden in a limo?
no theyre nasty ugly things!!! gimme a mid 70s lotus over one of those any day. classy as hell.

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
not yet no

Do you watch mtv?
if im flicking through the music channels then yeah i will do

What's something that really annoys you?
screaming kids. nothing more irritating. oh, and people that push in queues. and christmas music. and being too hot. busy places. my mum. everything dammit hahaha

What's something you really like?
waking up next to my boyfriend :) makes everything else seem irrelevant

Do you like Michael Jackson?
some songs are ok

Can you dance?
ahahahahahah. i dance like a loony when im alone...and sometimes i dance when i get pissed. i wouldnt say either count as actually being able to dance though

What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
all night hah infact at one point this morning id been awake 24 hrs. then stayed awake several more hahaha

Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
nah

Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
usually yeah

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 22:15:46 GMT

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/northamptonshire/4305434.stm

i was at school with her for 4 and a half years till my gcses. she was in my maths class of about 5 people for the last year and a half.

im really fucking shocked, cant believe this at all.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 08:07:26 GMT

oh dear :(

guinea pig died sometime last night...poor little sod :( my little sis is gunna be heartbroken when she gets home from school :(

Productiveness-with photos!

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 18:54:25 GMT

i love making things :) today, i made a little teddy bear out of white fleece...its bloody adorable hehehe...i wanna make more!
pics of stuff ive made lately

thats the teddy, soooo cute, hes filled iwth a mixture of dried rice, lentils, and that popcorn stuff..like before its actually popcorn hah. i wanna find some more cool fleece on the market and make some more of these :)

these are a couple of fimo card toppers i made last night, am really happy with how these turned out. rather fiddly stuff though! may have to try putting stuff like these on hair accessories or something.

some bracelets i made a little while ago, again out of fimo. fun to make.

a cross stitched pansy hahahaha...just...because! dont know what to do with it now though

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 10:01:36 GMT

SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! today is a GOOD day!!!

i woke up stupidly early, and couldnt get to sleep again because my throat hurts loads today...
and then i got dressed up all smart for an interview....sooo.....i r next's new employeeeee!!!!!!!!
thats right, the unemployable got a job!!!! ive got 16 hours down at the moment, i start next week.am quite excited. mainly about le staff discount. because i buy loads of my clothes from there hahaha.
but weeee!!!!! now hopefully my parents can get off my back about work n shite XD

and then i came home, and teh roving had arrived, i love the pink colour :) and what a sweetie-it was packaged with all sequins and tissue paper and some glowy things XD i love stuff like that...always makes me smile!
must go leave feedback now. and bask in the glory of actually having a job. *bask bask bask*

bored...

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 20:15:01 GMT

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 22:18:50 GMT

Your Birthdate: March 15

With a birthday on the 15th of any month, you are apt to have really strong attachments to home, family and domestic scene.
The 1 and 5 equaling 6, provide the sort of energy that makes you an excellent parent or teacher.
You are very responsible and capable.

This is an attractive and an attracting influence.
You like harmony in your environment and strive to maintain it.
You tend to learn by observation rather than study and research.

You may like to cook, but you probably don't follow recipes.
This number shows artistic leanings and would certainly support an talents that may be otherwise in your makeup.
You're a very generous and giving person, but perhaps a bit stubborn in ways.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

ZZZOOOMMGGGZZZz

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:25:45 GMT

i look fucking DOG ROUGH in these pics. they were taken after the show. felt like id just stepped out the shower hah. hawt.

(i was mid sentence i think, hence retarded expression)

YES, THAT IS JIMMY URINE.

its ok, youre allowed to kneel at my feet. i also got my ticket signed by all of them, jimmy humped my leg EEEEEEE

they played planet of the apes!!!! and straight to video!!!!! = lisa almost collapsing in fits of orgasms.

WHHHEEEEEEEEEE

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 20:44:17 GMT

finally my lazy ass self has *finished* a set of falls!!!!!!!

heart!!!!!

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 22:26:47 GMT

hah. used my sis as a guinea pig earlier to see if i fuck up at falls or if i can actually kinda do them.

turns out they work so far :D however excuse her own hair showing. just did this quickly to see how retarded i am at falls....

awww teh cute ^^ hahahaha

nicked from methadonia :D

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 14:24:36 GMT

yes, im bored..again

"Look at your LJ "interests" list. If you have fewer than fifty interests, pick every fifth one. If you have over fifty, pick every tenth one. If you have fewer than ten interests, pick 'em all. List them on your LJ, and tell everyone exactly what it is about these things that interests you so much. "

a perfect circle theyre just geniuses, cant really say much more for apc
alice in wonderland my fave disney film, the cheshire cat being the best thing about it...how funny is he!
alternative fashion coz its what i wear, yo.
cuddling awww :) is there really anything better than cuddling up in bed? or on the sofa by the tv? i think not.
eyeliner tis good stuff. makes my eyes all black and stuff. i just like how it looks.
fake hair bit of an obsession of mine..just love how versatile it is. you can infact..do anything with the stuff heh
furbies awww...now these are just cool. not so much when they talk, that gets irritating. but theyre cool.
glitter miss magpie likes teh shiny.
hair dye whilst faaarrr less versatile than extensions, i just like how it can really alter someones appearance, and its pretty easy to do.
hello kitty cuteness in a jar :D
hot pink my fave colour, especially when teamed with black :)
iced tea yummy drink. especially the raspberry flavoured stuff.
monty python pure comedy. (speaking of-sean could i be a pain in the arse n ask for me films before you go to uni please?)
nine inch nails again musical geniuses, just the amount of emotion conveyed through trent reznors music never ceases to amaze me
northampton i just spend a fair amount of time there i guess. well..used to.
pink pink is teh cute :)
platform boots big stompy shoes = yay :D ...they make me feel a bit taller. and they just look hot.
quinnster's hair board have learnt pretty much everything about extensions from here, plus the people are mostly absolutely lovely and more helpful than you could imagine :) that place is like no other forum ive ever been on
sex i really need to elaborate?
smashing pumpkins see NIN. hah
swear shoes sexy as hell. i heart how these look. must..have...in...hot..pink..and...black
tamagotchi i have loads of these in my room still :) theyre just cool, dinky little screens....egg shaped...cool colours...teehee aww
tool great stuff :)
writing always good to have a way of spilling stuff you could never say to people. or a way of encoding 'deep and meaningful' stuff so even if it is intended to be read, you still dont have to divulge everything in it to the readers.

helen-chan tagged me.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 17:23:14 GMT

and im so bored im going to do it. thats right bitches.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
lisa, lis...bout it, apart from lisa-jade when usually fucktarded teachers have spole to me for the first time

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
eyelinerfairy, synthetic pulse...only ones i can remember, used eyelinerfairy for yeeeeeears

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
:/...guess my lips can look ok on occasions

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
hah, everything? erm..my figure...my nose...disobedient hair

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
english, welsh, and i believe many moons ago the welsh side were travellers from yemen, hence the kind of uncommon surname.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
spiders, the dark, being alone

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
interweb!! aha...lip balm....music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
jeans, blue t shirt, glasses

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
freezepop, mindless self indulgence, a perfect circle

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
helmet - like i care
nine inch nails - something i can never have
a perfect circle - the nurse who loved me/3 libras...cant choose

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
hmm...want it to last..i dont like short term. not my style. mutual trust, and probably makes little sense but i know what i mean hah, everything should be balanced...like one feeling from one person shouldnt be less or more than the other persons. i know what i mean :/ hah

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
i'm god...i've worn glasses since i was 10...its been rather windy today.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
long hair...taller than me...pretty eyes :D haha

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
making synth hair extensions, dancing! (when no ones looking or when im too pissed to care :)), being with people i care about

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
ahahaha thats such an unsafe question. eat dinner? im actually pretty peckish. erm...go to mindless self indulgence gig (damnit not till monday) and dye my hair.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
hairdresser, naturally, a nurse when i was about 5....hah. and erm..me and nat used to say we should be cleaners? lol

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
america, australia, saudi..dammit i want to go everywhere!

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
amber, saffron (girls), kai (boys)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
get fucking employed, see freezepop or a perfect circle (hmm or both...hah), move out lol

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
I LOVE PINK!!!!!! hmm....i like cute things....im over emotional?

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
i like boobs!!! hahah..err...verrrry occasionally, i forget to brush my hair and dont realise till hours later..thats blokey i guess...and i dont know. you tell me. how am i blokey.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
i think most people that update loads have done this? anyone that hasnt done it then.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 21:43:25 GMT

take last entry.

x10.

i just want them to leave me alone.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 16:31:23 GMT

i feel terrible at the minute. nothing at all seems to be in my control and i dont really know what to do about it.
i cant seem to find a job, and its really really starting to get to me. which badly isnt helped by my mum. i honestly dont know what ive done wrong, it probably sounds ott or whatever, i dont care, its me thats having to deal with it. i wish shed just go back on holiday and stay there. ive been really happy for the last two weeks, i havent been waking up and dreading her coming back from work, or feeling like im not sposed to be here. because thats really what it ends up feeling like, that im not even really wanted around here, everything i do is wrong. i look at the way my little sister is treated, and just feel so sad because i have no memories of her ever being like that to me. i feel sad when i go to other peoples houses, and they all get on really well with their parents. ive just never had that, kind of makes me feel like im not good enough or something. i hate her constantly comparing me to her mates kids/ other people my age that she happens to know.
all the time its 'so and sos passed their driving test....blah blahs daughters just got a job in a bank' knowing full well that its trying to belittle me. its pathetic. i dont want her anywhere near me anymore...i dont want to hear her or see her. ive given up even trying to make it better between us because she just doesnt want it.
i keep crying, i feel so fucking useless. i feel so detached from everything at the minute, nothing seems to be set in stone, and thats what i need.

and its pathetic because i know there are people in far shittier situations than ill ever be in, and just get on with it without complaining.